When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom

home from the hospital and taught his father how to shave.

Chuck Norris’ vehicles don’t run on gas. They run on fear.

Chuck Norris can pick figs from an apple tree and make the best lemonade you’ve ever tasted.

Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra and after five days of excruciating pain… the cobra died.

When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

What should every sports player say after winning? “First of all, I would like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing”

Chuck Norris once got his arm stuck in a canyon. After 5 days of pain and agony, Chuck Norris had to amputate the canyon.

Chuck Norris’ tears could cure cancer. But Chuck Norris never cries.

Chuck Norris doesn’t have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

Chuck Norris makes fire by rubbing 2 ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. No heart is foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once went to Mars. That’s why there are no signs of life.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn’t dodge Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris’ computer has no backspace button. Chuck Norris doesn’t make mistakes.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It’s called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people once. Then it exploded.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver… and wins.

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not “attempt” murder.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes

 straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once fought Superman. The loser has to wear his underwear over his pants ever since.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.
Chuck Norris’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh*t from anyone.


Chuck Norris’ blood type is AK‑47.

1 Comment

Russell hatton · November 3, 2017 at 4:34 pm

Chuck Norris – who’s she

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